Recently while scrolling through my phone to find a photo a took a while ago I stumbled across photos from last Ramadan. It was a bit jarring to think that it’s already been an entire year because it feels like it just happened yesterday and now we are in Ramadan again. (And here I am blogging again.)

Last Ramadan I was so prepared- everything was a bit over compensatory, even. Mamdouh and the kids and I were living in different countries, and I didn’t want us to feel like we missed out on any part of the holy month due to the separation. It was difficult and overwhelming, but I didn’t want the kids to feel like something was lacking despite having one parent halfway across the world. I was enrolled in school full time but I still managed to take the kids to the mosque for iftar and taraweeh often. We listened to kids songs, watched videos and read books to understand the meaning of Ramadan better. The apartment was clean and beautifully decorated. We adorned ourselves with traditional garments and henna. We made some wonderful memories with our friends, and strengthened our ties to our community. Pretty much everything went perfectly.

This year, however, is messy. I have spent the last two weeks sick and am behind in everything. There is so much work I need to catch up with, and I feel like I am drowning. It is exam season. The stress is crippling. I feel Ramadan hit me head on while I just stood there, frozen, unable to move, unable to act. Between school, work, clinicals, the kids, our obligations, I feel incredibly that I am in over my head.

Honestly, I have been feeling deeply disappointed with how unprepared I am this year, but it dawned on me- it doesn’t have to be perfect. The point of Ramadan is to improve ourselves, to grow spiritually. If we start out perfect there’s no room for improvement. It’s okay to have a rough start. It’s okay to feel unprepared. In the grand scheme of things, does it matter? Does it matter that the decorations didn’t arrive, or that I still don’t know what to cook for iftar? What matters is our intentions, our efforts, and the good deeds we do. What matters is how much we put in and how hard we try. Although I am not where I want to be right now, I can still try and I can still improve in every way.

Recently I caught myself saying that Ramadan has come at a bad time this year since it’s the busiest, most stressful time for me; however, I’m wrong. Ramadan, the month of mercy, always comes at the perfect time. Yes, it’s the most stressful time of year for me, but how lucky am I that this stressful time coincides with the most blessed month in the year? What could be better than taking time to reflect and pray during such a stressful period, a much needed calm in the chaos. This Ramadan, I’m not going to care about the starting point, only the destination.

Ramadan Kareem everyone!

Salaam,

KC